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Starring: Jet Li and DMX

Directed by Andrzej Barthowiak

The director who brought you Exit Wounds and Romeo Must Die now brings you....

But wait! Why don’t we just listen in on the meeting where this masterpiece was made. Picture it, Fred and Barney, sitting around, half buried in ho-ho wrappers, discussing the new film:

Fred: I hear Rush Hour did well at the box office.

Barney: Yeah, it did, so did the sequel.

Fred: So ......

Barney: I know what you’re thinking Fred, but maybe its too soon to use the same movie.

Fred: But we can make it better. Instead of Jackie Chan we’ll get Jet Li.

Barney: And instead of Chris Rock we’ll get DMX, he’s popular.

Fred: Yeah, but it has to have more excitement, we can leave Jet Li as an Asian cop but if we make DMX an American cop it would be like stealing directly from Rush Hour.

Barney: We’ll make him a bad guy. A crook.

Fred: Oh that is good! A buddy movie with a cop and a robber, that hasn’t been done in .... in ... well, in a while anyway.

Barney: But the cop can’t be there chasing a kidnapped girl like in Rush Hour.

Fred: Sure he can, he just can’t be chasing the kidnapped daughter of his old mentor. We’ll make it DMX’s daughter, that’ll give them a good reason to team up.

Barney: YOU are a GENIUS Fred!

Fred: WE are geniuses buddy!

Barney: Still, why is an Asian cop trying to find the kidnapped kid of an American crook?

Fred: He isn’t. We’ll have the crook steal something the Asian government wants and then some other crook kidnaps his daughter to get the thing, that way, DMX and Li can meet. Then when the kidnappers get the thing they want, they keep the kid and DMX and Li have to cooperate, even though they are on opposite sides of the law, see?

Barney: Cool. You d Man! But what is it the Asian Government wants?

Fred: Doesn’t matter, some artifact. No. That’s too Jackie Chan. Some weapon maybe. A good one. Doesn’t have to be real, just dangerous. We’ll make something up. What’s important is that this movie has to be better than Rush Hour.

Barney: It already is Fred. It already is. But we could make it even more better! What about if Jet Li fights more guys than Jacki Chan did and exerts less effort doing it....

Fred: Cool, Barney, Cool!

Barney: .... and ... and.... and DMX is a bigger guy than Chris Rock right? So we make everything bigger. The stakes will be higher. The fights will be longer and take place in more places and .... and ... there will be more sex and violence ... and .... and

... and so it went. This movie is essentially Rush Hour 3 without any of the things that made the Rush Hour movies good. Adding Tom Arnold (who plays himself if he was a gun runner) just adds to the sheer stupidity of this entire film.

You would think that Jet Li would be far enough along in his career that he could avoid travesties like this film so I am guessing he owed someone a favour (or someone kidnapped his daughter). The fight scenes ranged from fairly cool (Li rarely has to take his hand out of his pocket even though most experts agree that, even when you are great, it is a dumb way to fight) to absolutely silly. They were correographed well but when the powers that be decided to go REALLY BIG and have Li fight an entire cage of professional fighters who beat each other silly for sport in an illegal gambling enterprise, it just got so beyond belief that I lost interest. Jet Li wasn’t going to lose, there was no risk from the 30 or so giant fighting guys who were too stupid to go at him more than one at a time and it just drifted into being tedious.

Still, I like to say something nice about the movie, so here goes: Gabrielle Union was very hot. .... the filming was fine, no mikes in a shot or anything, ..... what else? .... there was nothing. The story was stolen and sucked, there was no acting of any real kind, the costumes were what everyone was wearing the day they showed up, the special effects were only okay (a few helicopters blow up and a lot of bullets fly), the bad guys were silly, the jokes were not even dumb enough to provide entertainment, the one massive chase scene was done well but, again, so far beyond belief that it just became boring.

All in all I would have to say that you should not watch this movie (many of you have already because it opened #1 in the box office). Don’t rent it. Try not to even look at the cover. If you are too nice to it at the video store it might follow you home and you do not want that. In fact, you have a duty as a movie goer to avoid this movie and to get everyone else to avoid it too. If people watch it then those who made it will simply be encouraged and make more crap.

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